A New Year

I have to say I have mixed feelings about the new year.  Looking back on 2010, we had lots of wonderful days and experiences.  In fact, in general it was a really great year.  I think though that I will always remember 2010 as the worst year of my life.  Losing my mother is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  Not only did I lose my mama, I lost my best friend in the entire world.  I talked to her almost every single day and saw her at least 5 times a week.  I miss her so, so much!!!  I still cannot wrap my mind around it and I don't know if I'm dealing with it well or not.  Sometimes I think that I am, but the reality is that I am just keeping busy so that I can push it to the back of my mind.... not allow for time to think about it.  Then once I have a free moment, it just comes rushing back.  Hits me like a ton of bricks.  A punch to the gut that literally takes my breath away.  I now only have the occassional anxiety attack and no longer cry every day, but the pain has not dulled at all.  I know that it hasn't been that long since it happened and I will get better with time.... maybe. Not absolutely sure about that though.
That being said, you would think that I would be more than happy to leave 2010.  In actuality, I am afraid.  I know that sounds really weird.  I feel like I am being forced to move on.  A new year... a year in which I will never see or talk to my mama.  At least in 2010 I had more than 8 months with my mom.  I won't be able to say that about any year from here on.  It is just a really, really hard reality to face. One that I am not ready for.
 On the other hand, I am so ready for my children to not see their mommy cry so much.  While writing, I am crying.  Heidi just walked in and came over to rub my back and in the sweetest, most sympathetic voice she says " you miss mimi?" and leans in to hug me.  I seriously don't know if I could survive this without them. They are what keeps me going every single day.  The last time I talked to my mom, one of the things she told me was to always slow down enough to remember what a blessing children are.  It's so easy to get caught up in just raising children that sometimes we forget to enjoy them.  We can never get this time back.
Putting the selfish me aside, I am so very happy for my mom.  She has no pain or suffering.  Only the most wonderful, beautiful life imaginable.  I cannot wait to see her again!