Cody was out of town so both little girls were of course going to sleep with me. I usually put them to bed around 7:30 and both are always out before 8:00. Heidi went right to sleep but Zoe Anna just couldn't go to sleep. She kept saying my eyes can't close but I knew there was more to it. She just looked like she was very deep in thought, like her mind was far away and she looked so solemn and sad. I didn't say anything. I just told her she would fall asleep when she was ready.
Well, 9:30 rolls around and I look over at her and she looks at me and this giant tear just rolls down her face. I'm thinking she is just frustrated because she can't sleep and I tell her it's okay. She say's "it's not that. I just miss mimi so much!! I can't stop thinking about her! I wish I could go see her tomorrow." By now, she is bawling her eyes out and I have jumped over there to hold her. Then she tells me " I didn't even get to say goodbye! Why did she leave without me saying goodbye to her? Why can't I go see her? I just want to see her right now!!" At this point I feel like there is a huge boulder sitting on my chest and my heart just aches for my baby girl. It's just not right for children to have to hurt like this!! And how do I make it better?
When my mom passed away a year ago Zoe was 3 and Heidi had just turned 2. I explained to them the best way I knew how that God needed mimi to come live with him in Heaven. That even though mimi missed all of us very much and she didn't want to leave us, she was very happy to get to be in Heaven with God. And one day we would all get to be together again in Heaven. I know it is hard for them to grasp what that really means. Several times over the past year Zoe Anna has asked if we could go see mimi in Heaven and I would explain again how all of that worked and she would say ok and move on. Many times she would say she missed mimi but never has she cried and cried like she did last night!
I have worried more about Caleigh over the past year because she was so much older and she was so very close to my mom. In truth, she was just a close to her as she was to me. Mimi was her other mother. Caleigh has been surprisingly fine, which worries me even more. I don't want her bottling her pain only to have it hurt her worse in the long run. I don't want her to end up closing off her heart to avoid that kind of pain again, but what do I do? I wish I knew the right way to handle this. A way to make things better for all of them. I don't! The only thing I can do is trust God and teach them to look to God to help them during times like these. Only He can ease your pain and calm your fears.
I guess I should be glad that Heidi doesn't really remember and doesn't grieve for her, but I'm not. I'm sad that she doesn't remember this wonderful woman that loved and adored her so much. Heidi has her eyes, skin tone and build (my mom's thigh's never touched in her entire life, which she always hated and I always envied ;). Heidi's are the same) but she won't know the woman that she got them from. It's so unfair that they are missing out on knowing her. I grieve for them over this!
Zoe Anna eventually calmed down after deciding that she wanted to make mimi a present which then turned into 6 presents! She want's to paint a small pot for mimi to put her pens in (she made one for me) and she wants to make her a playdoh heart and some pictures. We finally decided on making her a book of drawings. They all have to have her name on them so mimi can see how well Zoe can write her name :). This is something that she really, really wants to do and I hope it makes her feel better and not worse! She still has a hard time understanding that we just can't go see her in Heaven. I kept reminding her that we would just hang on to these gifts for now, until we see mimi again. Or she could put them up in her room to remind her that she would see mimi again one day. I just pray this helps her to heal in some way!!
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