Procrastination

I keep singing this word - procrastination - in my head to the tune of Rod Stewart in-fat-u-a-tion, but yet I still don't do anything about it.  It is now nearing the end of February and I have yet to begin on my New Year's "to do" list.  It is a very, very long list too.  I am very aware of what I need to do and that I really need to get started since some things are time sensitive, but I just can't make myself do it... any of it.  Not really sure why either.  Hopefully, if I list them here I might get motivated.  We'll see!! Ok, here goes..  in no particular order..

1. Lose 15 lbs. This has been on my list for the past 2 years and last year I did lose 15 lbs, but I gained back 6 :(!
2. Start couponing again.
3. Get rid of all the excess "junk" in my house.  I have actually started this, but there is just. so. much!!!
4. Find more "me time".  This one is nice in theory but more than likely not gonna happen.
5. More date nights.  Which leads me to #6...
6. Find a good babysitter.
7. Do more for my friends.
8. Get the house ready to put on the market.  I have someone lined up to help with this.  I just haven't contacted him to get started so I really have no excuse for this one.
9. Register Zoe Anna for the "lottery drawing" for the Pre-K program I want her in.
10. Enroll Heidi at Westminster one day a week. I have actually done this one. Yay!!
11. Organize all photo's and video's.  This one is so hard for me for some reason.  I get caught up every 6 months or so and then get behind again.
12. Start cooking again. I started back this week.  I hadn't cooked at all since my mom passed away 5 month's ago.  Don't really know why.  Just find it so hard to do some of the normal, everyday things sometimes.
13. Wrap up the potty training.  We are so close on this one!!
14. Get Heidi to give up the paci.  Kind of sad to me, but I guess it's time :(.
15. Spend more one-on-one time with each of my children.  This is one of the most important ones and one of the hardest. Especially now that Cody's work schedule has changed and he is never home anymore.  I feel like a single mom lately :(.
16. More volunteer work.
17. Dedicate more time with God each day.  Time for just me with God and a more structured time for the girls.  Sadly, we just kind of do this wherever we can fit it into our day and I want to have a dedicated time for this. Plan our day around God instead of the other way around.
18. MOVE!! I could be doing this right now. Have not even begun to get anything ready.  Not really sure why.
19. Keep my blog current.  I bet that happens but at least I am putting in an effort on this one ;).
20. Work on ME!!

Ok, that's it.  I could list more and I'm sure you are all just dying to know, but I'll spare you ;)!!

A New Year

I have to say I have mixed feelings about the new year.  Looking back on 2010, we had lots of wonderful days and experiences.  In fact, in general it was a really great year.  I think though that I will always remember 2010 as the worst year of my life.  Losing my mother is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  Not only did I lose my mama, I lost my best friend in the entire world.  I talked to her almost every single day and saw her at least 5 times a week.  I miss her so, so much!!!  I still cannot wrap my mind around it and I don't know if I'm dealing with it well or not.  Sometimes I think that I am, but the reality is that I am just keeping busy so that I can push it to the back of my mind.... not allow for time to think about it.  Then once I have a free moment, it just comes rushing back.  Hits me like a ton of bricks.  A punch to the gut that literally takes my breath away.  I now only have the occassional anxiety attack and no longer cry every day, but the pain has not dulled at all.  I know that it hasn't been that long since it happened and I will get better with time.... maybe. Not absolutely sure about that though.
That being said, you would think that I would be more than happy to leave 2010.  In actuality, I am afraid.  I know that sounds really weird.  I feel like I am being forced to move on.  A new year... a year in which I will never see or talk to my mama.  At least in 2010 I had more than 8 months with my mom.  I won't be able to say that about any year from here on.  It is just a really, really hard reality to face. One that I am not ready for.
 On the other hand, I am so ready for my children to not see their mommy cry so much.  While writing, I am crying.  Heidi just walked in and came over to rub my back and in the sweetest, most sympathetic voice she says " you miss mimi?" and leans in to hug me.  I seriously don't know if I could survive this without them. They are what keeps me going every single day.  The last time I talked to my mom, one of the things she told me was to always slow down enough to remember what a blessing children are.  It's so easy to get caught up in just raising children that sometimes we forget to enjoy them.  We can never get this time back.
Putting the selfish me aside, I am so very happy for my mom.  She has no pain or suffering.  Only the most wonderful, beautiful life imaginable.  I cannot wait to see her again!

Prayers needed!!!!

CaringBridge / ellaray1 / Welcome www.caringbridge.org
Please pray for this little girl.  She is not doing well and in desperate need of prayer.  You can read her story and get updates at the caring bridge site. 

My beautiful mama!!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I have to admit that I am a blog stalker.... I know, it's so sad but I would rather read someone else's blog than update my own.  Something I have to come to realize though is that the ones I love the most are the "perfect" ones.  I can't wait each day to see what kind of "perfect" day or adventure they had the day before.  I am amazed at the charmed life these people seem to lead in that absolutely NOTHING bad or even remotely "not so good" happens in their life.  Everything falls in to place perfectly each and every time.  They don't seem to have bills, sickness, disagreements or even laundry.  They have all the time in the world, they attend every event you can think of (and always with the best seats in the house), they and their children are always dressed to perfection, no crying or fussy babies causing them to be late, no PMS days ever and they all seem to be back in a size 2 within 2 weeks of giving birth. 

I know that isn't really how it is.  I know that they are just omitting all the not so great things and only writing about sunshine and rainbows, but for some reason I still wonder why their life is so perfect and easy and I seem to go through trials and tribulations every single day.  I think the only answer for that is to stop reading these "perfect" blogs.  Stop torturing myself comparing their "perfect" life with my not-so-perfect life. 

In all honesty, I LOVE my life.  The good, the bad and the ugly!!! and that is what you will get here.  I promise not to write only about sunshine and rainbows but also the clouds and unbelievable storms too.  That is real life.  I am reminded of a time last year when I was going through one of my major trials and decided to surf the net.  I literally just stumbled upon a blog that I had never read before and it spoke directly to me.  It wasn't one of those cookie cutter blogs.  This was a real person with a real life and I realized that "hey, I'm not the only person who goes through trials".  I realized that whatever it was I was going through would not kill me.  That I would survive it and come out stronger in the end.  It was like a weight had been lifted and I almost felt giddy.  I still had to ride out the trial but I knew that I wasn't alone. 

 God directed me to her blog that night I think because I was trying to work it out myself and couldn't even hear him anymore.  I couldn't even go to sleep that night. I eventually had to get up and write her and let her know how her words had helped me.  God is amazing, y'all!!  Even when we won't listen to Him He will find a way to get His message to us.... Thank God!!!

So guys, you will not get cookie-cutter here. You WILL get the good, the bad and the ugly.  Hopefully more good than bad though ;)!  And I have to say that I am grateful for my trials because they only increase my faith and it just reminds me that I AM a child of God.

Remember me?

Finally deciding to come back....stay tuned!

A little behind...

So, I have once again fallen behind in my blogging...just like I vowed that I wouldn't. Oh well, one day I will be so organized that I will have plenty of free time for blogging and so, so many of the other things I would like to do :-). Anywho, I of course intend to catch everyone up on the past few months and I promise to do so in as few words as possible so that you might actually stay with me..... Here Goes!!

One day in February, a Tuesday and one of my off days (I'll get to that later), Heidi decided to eat a quarter and a penny while I was drying my hair. I didn't know that's what she did... I just guessed because she came to me crying and nothing could calm her. Then I noticed some change on the couch, she was swallowing hard and drooling a LOT and didn't want to drink anything so I put 2 & 2 together and started freaking out. Well, actually not too bad... I think. I called the Dr. and while I was talking to the nurse I noticed Heidi was trying to go to sleep. Nurse: "Call 911 right now!!!" Ok, now I'm freaking out. So, the ambulance and fire truck show up and about 20 or so men (seemed like it anyway). Heidi is actually starting to calm down by this time and the EMT's asked if they needed to take me in instead... umm, probably. So these wonderful men hang out for a little bit to see how she's doing (I was just going to drive her to the ER myself and have her checked out since she could breathe ok and didn't appear to be in any real danger). All of sudden Heidi vomits up a penny. Ahhh.. relief!! Thank God it was just a penny and now she's ok. BTW: I had told them I thought she swallowed a quarter and they said that she was too little and wouldn't have been able too. Ok, so the guys hang out with the kids so that I can go change (she vomited all over me of course) and I have to say Zoe Anna was LOVING this. The attention from all these nice strangers, the flashing lights of the truck and I think the overall Drama of the whole situation. They leave, I take Zoe Anna to my parents and Heidi and I head to the ER to make sure the penny didnt do any damage.

Get there; get x-rays; see GIANT QUARTER sitting right there in her pretty, tiny little throat; find out that we will now have to travel by ambulance to H'ville for surgery; FREAK OUT; FREAK OUT SOME MORE; get the same guys from this morning (since we're practically family now) to take us after a stern talk with the head of D EMS informing them that my child is just as important as anyone else and I didn't want the second rate team to take us; get there around 3:00; wait. Notice how happy Heidi seems to be in the top pic... she's tough as nails!

In the ambulance ride I promised her a balloon, so as soon as we arrived Nanna went down and got her one. She is really starting to look pitiful now. She had to stay in the bed because of the IV and that's really hard for a little one to do... especially for Hours... we had to wait until 8 pm to get the procedure done. She also hadn't eaten since breakfast, which was around 7 am and that was the main reason we had to wait.

Here she is with Nanna. She's really tired but just can't sleep with that IV in her little hand.

Finally, it's time for the procedure. They explained to me all about the anesthesia and how quickly it would put her out, but you just cannot really prepare yourself for that. To watch your precious little baby just pass out .. just like that. I couldn't help but start crying, again, and that's when they kicked me out. The procedure only took about 5 minutes, then we had to wait around another hour and home we went. Thank goodness this day is over with!!! I just thanked God over and over again because it could've gone in a much different direction.

We got a dog!!! This is our precious little Sasha. Heidi called her Susha at first, which of course was adorable. Heidi loves this dog to death. And not really in a kind, gentle kind of way. She more or less man-handles her. Rolling over on her, getting all up in her face, pulling her ears, squealing in her ear.... it goes on. Poor little Sasha just takes it. She'll look at me sometimes like 'could you please do something with her'. And don't worry, I promise I don't let her get too rough and try to get her to calm down the entire time they are playing :).

We have made several trips to the park. Here are Zoe Anna and her best friend Matthew. They are so cute together. I'm not sure if it was this day, but one day they got into a little tiff at the park, but by the time we were making our seperate ways to our vehicles they were once again yelling "I love you". So sweet and it really cracks me up because they are just so serious.

My ever so independant child has graduated to the big-girl swing. She can't pump on her own or anything but she can stay in the swing better than Zoe can. When she's done she just jumps out. No time to say stop or down... just jumps out and usually on her face then right back up and running. Please stop growing up so fast!!!

On rainy days Jen, the kids and I usually venture out to the mall to play on this little car with the scary looking mouse, I think, and the carousel. I'm a little surprised that they don't have our pictures up in the windows with a warning... Hey they're kids. They're full of energy. They're noisy. And when it's raining outside they have to get all of that out somewhere!

THE EASTER BUNNY CAME!!!! Zoe Anna was most excited about her new swimsuit and I think Heidi was just excited about eggs. Not so much that they were filled with candy, just that they were cute eggs. That's her new thing now: Aww... how cyuuuute!

Trying to get a picture with the both of them looking and this is the best I got. At least you can see their entire bodies and they both seem happy:)!

We went to Houston and Kyla's for lunch and the Easter egg hunt. I have to admit that I probably enjoyed it as much as they did. Heidi really got into it and just loved having all of those cyuuute little eggs. Zoe Anna was much more serious about it. She opened each egg as she found it and I think tried to eat each piece of candy as she opened them. She got really lucky and found one of the prize eggs, to which she opened, saw that it was just money and threw the money on the ground so that she could get on with finding the good stuff!! Oh, one day!

And of course, I can't forget Caleigh. She decided not to hunt eggs with us 1. because she is just too old for that kind of stuff now and 2. Mimi Vicki's birthday fell on Easter and she wanted to spend the day with her. We missed having her with us but I am very proud that she is so thoughtful and thought it best to be with her Mimi on her birthday.

I got to go out for the night with my wonderful friend Jen. I so needed it too. I don't think I ever laugh as much as I do when we are together. And it doesn't matter what we do. We both get so few nights out so we definately make the most of it. Everyone needs a friend that makes you laugh till your cheeks hurt at absolutely nothing at all.

Zoe Anna started school!!! I had actually called to register her for the fall and the director informed me that they had some openings if I wanted to go ahead and enroll her as kind of a trial run. That sounded wonderful so she started the next week. It's just 2 days a week but I think she would go everyday if I let her. She LOVES it. And to be honest, I knew she would. She has been ready for awhile now. It was me who wasn't. Look at how big she looks, with her Hello Kitty lunchbox and her little polka-dot backpack.

In her classroom. She was the first one there. We were both very excited!!

Already making herself right at home. She does that everywhere though and I have to say that I'm really glad she's that way. It will make life easier for her. It makes it easier for me too, but I would like it if she didn't want to cut the apron strings at 3.

Okay, Okay Mommm you can go now!! I wish I could've been a fly on the wall and spent the day with her. I have enjoyed spending some 1 on 1 time with Heidi while she's at school. And this is a huge shocker........ Heidi went to school last week. The day before I was telling my friend Beth that I will probably have to go to Kindergarten with Heidi. She is just so attached to me and still cries every morning when I go to work (yes! I have a job now. just 3 days a week but I love it). Anywho, I was dropping Zoe Anna off and Heidi went into the classroom to play while I was talking to Miss Myra. She came back out in the hallway once to look for me but then went back in 2 minutes later. Miss Myra told me to just go out and leave her for a little while. She promised to call if they needed me. So I reluctantly left her there, expecting the call before I made it to my car. She did great though! I went to TJ Maxx. One of my favorite places but one that I never take my children to, therefore a place that I never get to go to anymore. I have to admit it was soo, soo nice to just take my time and look at what I wanted to look at, not the fairy wings or princess dresses or the restroom (for some reason my children want to visit the restroom at every single place we go).

Alright, if you're still there I promise I'm almost done. Big things coming up though!!! Caleigh has the lead in the school play which is this month. She is also going to be in a fashion show at a luncheon for Cervical Cancer and has started voice lessons and is loving it. Zoe Anna is going to be in a wedding in June and she's still a little confused about it. The morning after we bought her "wedding dress" this was our conversation:

(waking up)

Z: Mom, can I wear my wedding dress.

M: No. You can't wear it until the wedding.

Z: Mom, but who am I getting married with?

M: You're not getting married. Lori Beth is. You won't get married until you get bigger.

Z: But MOMMMM..... My dress is little!!

Oh, that little girl keeps me in stitches!! I love them all so, so much. Be back soon!

The Next Taylor Swift ;-)

sorry the pics aren't clear..

Caleigh has participated in Eastwood Idol for the past 3 years. This year was the first time she did a solo performance and she won 1st place!!! We were sooo excited and proud! I think it was also the most nervous I have ever been in my entire life!!! The first 4 finalists that they called were all singers ( & 3 of them were her best friends that were having a slumber party afterwards) so I was certain that they wouldn't choose another singer. I was just sitting there thinking ' I can't let her go to the party when she would be the only one that wasn't chosen as a finalist' and then they called her name. RELIEF!!! There was some serious competition this year... very talented kids... so I was especially proud of her just for making it as a finalist. And then winning ~ YAY!!! I think my dad and my brother were both fighting back a tear or two and I know Mimi Vicki was crying. She was so happy!! Congratulations, Caleigh!! We are all so very proud of you!

*i have been trying to upload the video for 2 weeks now but it just isn't going to work ~ i will try again later but wanted to get this post up since it has already been a month*

Moment of Truth

I seriously cannot believe that I am doing this! I have been waiting for 18 months now for my baby weight to just fall off and I think it is finally time to face facts. I have never really been one to have willpower so what better way to motivate than a really horrible swimsuit pic out there for everyone to see. I am hoping that it will help me to work harder to reach my goal and quickly replace the pic on the bottom with a much improved one.

The picture on the top was made in 2005. This was the biggest I had ever been aside from being pregnant. I remember being so self-conscious and upset about the few pounds I had gained that year (sidenote: I am 5'3" so a few pounds really does make a big difference). It's so sad because right now I would love to be that size. I have always been extremely critical of myself and feel really foolish now for not just being content. Hopefully I will learn something from this. I have already learned to be careful what you complain about/wish for/say about others... it just may come back on you. I remember the first time I was going to meet Cody's family. It was Thanksgiving and I was having the hardest time finding something to wear because everything I tried on was too big and looked sloppy, for lack of a better word. I remember crying before-hand because I really wanted to look nice and "why did I have to lose weight right then?". Want to take a guess what size I was?? A zero or sometimes a 2!! ZERO!! Well, I don't have to cry about that anymore!

The picture on the bottom was taken in 2007. That was before Heidi, but basically the same size I am now. In fact, I didn't lose my baby weight from Zoe Anna until after I became pregnant with Heidi. I guess I can't really complain considering I never actually tried to do anything about it. I suppose I thought it would just be easy like it was after I had Caleigh. I remember at Caleigh's 2 week check-up I cried while getting ready because I had lost almost all the weight (50 lbs!!) but my boobs were huge and I looked like Dolly Parton in my pre-pregnancy clothes. Again, be careful what you complain about.

I realize now that I'm no spring chicken and my metabolism has changed and I can't eat taco bell everyday and be a size two. And to be honest, I don't really care if I'm a size 2. I just really want to get rid of that dang muffin top and look like I have a normal body again. It really is amazing how things get moved around and redistributed differently after each baby :-)!

WISH ME LUCK!!!

Missing the new man in our life..

Sweet baby Rowan

This poor little guy has been sick and now the little girls are sick so we are missing our weekly visit. This little man belongs to my SIL, Kyla, and we all love him so much. I think Heidi just might love him the most though. In fact, right now I am having a hard time typing because she is in my lap with her face as close to the laptop as she can get staring at his picture. She even took her paci out so that absolutely nothing was obstructing her view. I believe she thinks that Kyla had him just for her. And since there will never be a little brother for her, or sister for that matter, we try to spend as much time with cousin Rowan as possible. He is such a sweet, happy little baby and such a joy to be around! We miss you, Rowan, and hope to see you next week.

Yesterday Zoe Anna woke up at 5am with a fever. I don't know how bad it was because I didn't have one single thermometer that would read her temp properly, but she was burning up. She also had a really horrible sounding chesty cough so I dosed her up with Motrin and Vazobid and prayed that would give her some relief. Her fever went away (and came back later) but she was just so, so pitiful. She just wanted to lie on the couch and "rest her eyes". She refused all food including ice cream, popsicles and coke... the good stuff too, not the caffeine free sprite. Heidi has had the sniffles for the past day or two and even though she's just as spunky as always, I make them both an appointment with the doctor. They both checked out ok and we left with a princess sticker and a script for cough meds.

I have to tell you about Zoe.... remember how I said she was just lying around...could barely hold her head up all day.... well, all that changed when she found out she was going to meet someone new (our regular doc was booked so we had to see his partner ~ just as wonderful though). She perked up and turned on that Zoe charm as soon as he came in ... introducing him to her baby sister, answering all his questions in her best 'Big Girl' voice and asking him how he liked her socks "They're Hello Kitty, you know". And then there is Heidi, giving him The Look ~ I don't know who you think you are but Nobody talks to me or "checks me out" unless I want them to!! Oh, how I love their unique little personalities and how they still shine through even when they're sick.

I am behind again on my posts but intend to catch up in the next few days...BIG news for Caleigh!!!