Life has been busy lately. Well, as usual. It seems like we are constantly on the go. We never slow down. In constant motion. Everyone demanding of my time and energy. This can be super stressful. Not can be, it IS stressful. At the end of the day though, when everyone else is asleep, I reflect on the day and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my super busy, super stressful life. I just sometimes forget how to appreciate it.
Today I was reminded.
Caleigh woke up late this morning and I didn't realize it until it was too late for her to make it to school on time. No big deal. I planned to take the little girls to school then come back for her and check her in. After dropping the girls off I had to go fill out paperwork at the surgery center for a procedure my grandmother was having. Took a little longer than I thought, but still not too late for her to go to school. Get home. Hang out with her a while and realize how nice it is to be able to spend real time with her. Without little distractions. Without asking her to help me out. I have missed this and I know she has too. I decide to let her stay home. Then she suggests we go to Moe's for lunch..just the two of us.. her treat!! So we had lunch and did a little shopping and I am so very glad I had this little bit of time alone with her today.
As much as this meant to me, I know it meant that much more to her. Sadly, even though I am a stay at home mom, there are many days that I realize I didn't get to spend much quality time with my kids. Sometimes I will look at one of them and think I haven't even seen you today. I have read something similar to this in one of the blogs I like so I don't feel as bad seeing as how I'm not the only one who does this. It does make me sad though.
Today, seeing how happy just a couple of hours alone made her (and me) has made me stop and reflect....differently. How lucky am I to have so many people demanding my time and energy?! How lucky am I to hear mommy uttered from their precious mouths 576,000 times a day?! How lucky am I to be so loved that people fight for my attention ALL DAY LONG?!! I am the luckiest person on earth! How could all that LOVE be stressful???
Even though my life will still be busy, I plan to slow down enough to be able to enjoy and embrace the loving chaos. I intend to no longer let these busy days make me feel stressed but instead I will stop and realize that I am so very BLESSED!!
Last night my precious little 4 year old had a total breakdown. Never have I ever seen her like this. My heart broke instantly when I realized how much her little heart was hurting! Kids are amazingly strong and resilient creatures and I guess it's easy to forget that they are emotional little beings and they grieve just as we adults do.
Cody was out of town so both little girls were of course going to sleep with me. I usually put them to bed around 7:30 and both are always out before 8:00. Heidi went right to sleep but Zoe Anna just couldn't go to sleep. She kept saying my eyes can't close but I knew there was more to it. She just looked like she was very deep in thought, like her mind was far away and she looked so solemn and sad. I didn't say anything. I just told her she would fall asleep when she was ready.
Well, 9:30 rolls around and I look over at her and she looks at me and this giant tear just rolls down her face. I'm thinking she is just frustrated because she can't sleep and I tell her it's okay. She say's "it's not that. I just miss mimi so much!! I can't stop thinking about her! I wish I could go see her tomorrow." By now, she is bawling her eyes out and I have jumped over there to hold her. Then she tells me " I didn't even get to say goodbye! Why did she leave without me saying goodbye to her? Why can't I go see her? I just want to see her right now!!" At this point I feel like there is a huge boulder sitting on my chest and my heart just aches for my baby girl. It's just not right for children to have to hurt like this!! And how do I make it better?
When my mom passed away a year ago Zoe was 3 and Heidi had just turned 2. I explained to them the best way I knew how that God needed mimi to come live with him in Heaven. That even though mimi missed all of us very much and she didn't want to leave us, she was very happy to get to be in Heaven with God. And one day we would all get to be together again in Heaven. I know it is hard for them to grasp what that really means. Several times over the past year Zoe Anna has asked if we could go see mimi in Heaven and I would explain again how all of that worked and she would say ok and move on. Many times she would say she missed mimi but never has she cried and cried like she did last night!
I have worried more about Caleigh over the past year because she was so much older and she was so very close to my mom. In truth, she was just a close to her as she was to me. Mimi was her other mother. Caleigh has been surprisingly fine, which worries me even more. I don't want her bottling her pain only to have it hurt her worse in the long run. I don't want her to end up closing off her heart to avoid that kind of pain again, but what do I do? I wish I knew the right way to handle this. A way to make things better for all of them. I don't! The only thing I can do is trust God and teach them to look to God to help them during times like these. Only He can ease your pain and calm your fears.
I guess I should be glad that Heidi doesn't really remember and doesn't grieve for her, but I'm not. I'm sad that she doesn't remember this wonderful woman that loved and adored her so much. Heidi has her eyes, skin tone and build (my mom's thigh's never touched in her entire life, which she always hated and I always envied ;). Heidi's are the same) but she won't know the woman that she got them from. It's so unfair that they are missing out on knowing her. I grieve for them over this!
Zoe Anna eventually calmed down after deciding that she wanted to make mimi a present which then turned into 6 presents! She want's to paint a small pot for mimi to put her pens in (she made one for me) and she wants to make her a playdoh heart and some pictures. We finally decided on making her a book of drawings. They all have to have her name on them so mimi can see how well Zoe can write her name :). This is something that she really, really wants to do and I hope it makes her feel better and not worse! She still has a hard time understanding that we just can't go see her in Heaven. I kept reminding her that we would just hang on to these gifts for now, until we see mimi again. Or she could put them up in her room to remind her that she would see mimi again one day. I just pray this helps her to heal in some way!!